Tanishaa — 11 weeks Tanishaa — 11 weeks …Click, click…. I hold my breath and wait.. I sit bolt upright and fiddle with the buttons in the dark to reset it. And then I lie back in my bed going over events in my head. She seemed to have got used to the sound of me tearing the masking tape and sticking the blue plastic lead to her soft and warm tummy, as if it were normal for all babies. Two months after Tanishaa died, I became pregnant with my third baby Zahraa.
I received the monitor a couple of weeks before my due date.
I was a little nervous but glad I could put off the worry for a bit longer. During my pregnancy, I had spoken to my midwives and to Lynda Bathgate at the Trust and they were all really understanding and helpful.
I was told at the start of the pregnancy that I would need to arrange the loan of a monitor and CPR training at Paisley hospital before the Baby arrived.
This versatile bedroom staple caneven transform into a day bed. She loves the white design against her pink walls, as it makes the cot the focal point of the room. Lovely soft lines and great quality.
There was a constant debate over where I was to deliver the baby as everything did not link in smoothly. I delivered at the Vale of Leven Hospital, as chosen and they were fantastic, as always. I was so happy to meet Zahraa and watched her like a hawk.
I got stuck in traffic and had to delay the training further by a few days, adding to my anxiety. So now I felt less scared about the training.
The blue leads and the masking tape looked so clinical and made me remember the whole rush to the hospital in the ambulance, the doors opening, the paramedic running withTanishaa, me frantically following him into the Intensive Care Unit, the beeping of machines, a team of doctors waiting to do whatever possible to resuscitate her, me still praying and trying to remain positive….
I took one look at the monitor and put it back in the envelope along with those memories. It looked too much like a breathing pipe going into her nose, so I delayed using it further.
The first time the alarm went off, I used the reset button got used to the steps in my head. I finally made myself look properly at the picture on the back of the blue lead and realised I should have been placing it near the belly button and not so much on the chest, because of the way babies breathe.
The fear had stopped me even looking at the monitor or reading the instructions properly! When Zahraa got to the age where she was learning to wriggle and lie on her side in the night, the masking tape would wrinkle and come off and set off the alarm.
Nobody said when; I had to decide for myself. I would highly recommend other Mums in a similar situation to use an apnoea monitor from the start.
I worry about my kids every single night and sleep with one eye open. My attitude is changing very slowly, just a step at a time.
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